i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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