Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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