In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to walk on stilts...naked
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
