found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
COCAINE IS GR8
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
