omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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