Jerry, you need to find god
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
