mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
