So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
