can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
