But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
