i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
