Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That accounts for only three of the penises
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
