he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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