sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
that is very illegal...i love you.
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