In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said her name was "party"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
