why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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