Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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