And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
