they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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