I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
