Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
