its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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