You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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