The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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