so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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