If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
