Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
