Can i not drive my cunt home
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
