Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
