Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
