Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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