If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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