i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
