omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
