I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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