I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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