is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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