Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
