So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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