Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I forget how to act sober
Randomize