The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
