oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
