I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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