You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
