I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
