Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
