your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am naked and annoyed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
