dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
smell my finger.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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