you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
