A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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