Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
