You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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