so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
