I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize