i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize