Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
