hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
